Green Day...

Well, I woke up this morning and had several messages on my phone, mostly junk mail, and one text message from my mother in law. She knows William and I have been having problems, she reminded me that I am still Mrs. McEachern and wished us a Happy St. Patrick's day. While my name may still be his, I sure don't feel like his wife. We haven't EVER fought for this long. I think William and I are just alike. We are both stubborn as hell, we both have sarcastic senses of humor, and when we get pissed off or seriously mad, we can get one hell of an attitude. So since we started this argument we have both had this major attitude and it bothers me. I have tried to drop my attitude but then he will e-mail with his and it's like, well what's the point. Or I will try to change the subject, and he will come back angry because I changed the subject.

I just don't know anymore. I'm scared I'm losing him. Maybe I am, maybe it's for the best. We agreed on counseling, and I have looked for several counselors, I have made the calls done the necessary ground work. It's just tough without him here. Some things can't be done until he gets home and I'm ready to start the process now because like I said... I'm scared I'm losing him. But, like I told him the other day, I have started over before, I can do it again. And Noah is older this time, so it should be easier this time. Just hope I don't have to. I love my husband. I wouldn't have married him if I wasn't attracted to him. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't see a future or even forever with him.

It's just so hard. We got married before we had lived together. Before we had REALLY gotten to know each other's habits. We talked about them non-stop. I asked him every question possible about how he lived and his routine and whatever. And I seriously didn't think we were going to have a problem. I guess I just need to relax a little and trust a little more in him and like my old friend told me, quit treating him like a child. Men will pick up their clothes off the floor when women trust that they will. If William comes home, I think I will try that one. I like a neat and tidy house, like sterile and crisp. And if one thing is out of place, I raise hell about it. Yeah sounds like I need to relax.

I do really love William. It hurts that this has gone on for so long now. Wish it was over. Contrary to what people think, or he may even be thinking at this point, I didn't marry him for what he had to offer. I married him because he can make me laugh, because he is incredibly down to earth, and when he wants to be, he is super sweet. And just like I told him earlier, I can't be stuck in limbo any longer, we either need to make the decision to fix our marriage and change our attitudes and 'jump on the train', or we need to just walk away. Limbo is an incredibly painful place to be. Yet I know it all too well...