Next Weekend

So I received an e-mail last night, and all week long William has been playing this game. He told me 'we' we doing something in April but he couldn't tell me what. I just assumed he was talking about the boat because he couldn't tell me. I was wrong. He meant we as in us. He was trying to surprise me. Keywords there being, TRYING. When he was here last he mentioned a Michael Buble concert. And I'm a HUGE Michael Buble fan. Well I like jazz in general, but Michael puts a pop spin on it. Plus he is just really cute. Or he was... now since he has been on tour and writing nonstop albums he just looks tired.

Well before, when William tried to surprise me, it didn't work. He told me the date of when it was and I googled it and voila. But he said he couldn't get the tickets. They were all sold out, which I find hard to believe. But it was an awesome deal, $90 for damn dear front row, PLUS backstage passes. So I was a little upset that he didn't get them. But he made up for it by getting us tickets to Kooza Cirque du Soleil. And we are doing that as a family. So I think Noah will really like it. Or we will find out. Anyways, all week he has been playing this game and all of a sudden he started up with this, 'you have to get a sitter for next weekend'. He wouldn't talk about anything else but that. I tried to work my magic, but got no bites.

Well hopefully this will be a lesson to him, we have a kid now, he needs to start thinking about what we are going to do with Noah before he rushes off and starts making any kind of plans. But I got to the bottom of his plan... I just put 2 and 2 together. It wasn't that hard. I'm happy and upset. Wish he would have told me a little sooner so that I could have a sitter, but on the other hand, we are going to see Michael Buble... maybe...

Wow...

So after about 2 days of talking to my dear husband about his exercising, and compromising on how we were going to do this, we finally came to a conclusion. And I must say, I laughed. William has obviously been talking to what I like to call his 'psychiatrist'. This guy is around 35, just recently joined, but is incredibly insightful. I'm glad William has some one like that he can go to to talk to whenever he needs to. On the other hand I'm kind of jealous. Although today, the psych has bailed William out of a sticky situation. So I asked William to walk up and give him a hug and tell him thank you for me. I have met this guy before, he is an odd one. Has a personality pretty much like William. Lol, now that I think about it, I have no idea what attracted me to William in the first place if I think this guy is so odd.

Well anyways, obviously they have been talking because William sent me an email stating that his friend says that women also need time away from the kids and family and they also need some time off and that William still isn't thinking like a married man. DUH!! After William and I had gotten married, and we were sitting at my mom's house one day before we moved up here, I was talking to my mom about some problems we were having. She mentioned to us that he wasn't thinking like a married man should. I had already told him that before when he was in Oki but then it didn't matter because we were living separately, he didn't really have to other than don't cheat.

So how is William NOT thinking like a married man? Well, he is a little selfish. He goes and does his hobbies and expects me to be ok with it. And I am ok with him having A hobby. I need an outlet too so I understand if he needs something to get away every once and a while. But he expects to spend whatever he wants on it, and do basically whatever he wants with it and I can't tell him what to do about it. But he can totally tell me what to do. I'm not allowed to go to college, when he is here, I'm not allowed to drive the car, dinner is to be made by 6 PM, I just have all these rules, yet he has none. So now he wants to start working out. Which again, I have no problem with. But I want a compromise. And our compromise is, I am going to start yoga. He agreed to it, we worked it out so we are both happy with that. And he is even happy with me going to college now.... yeah now that he knows he doesn't have to pay for it. His psych's wife goes with pell grants, and I even told William about the MyCAA program the military offers to military spouses to get an education.

So when you get down to it, he didn't want me to get an education because he didn't want to pay for it. As long as it doesn't inconvenience him, he is ok with it. In his last email he acknowledged that he isn't thinking like a married man and acknowledged that he needed help getting there. I just wonder if this is the start of a bunch of new problems or the start of a new beginning...

The PRT

Ok I'm sure I have already written about this but I'm going to write about it again because I'm just so damn frustrated about it right now. William has the PRT right after he gets home. Ok, first of all, the PRT is just a weigh in and they have to do like an exercise obstacle course in a set amount of time. Or it may not even be an obstacle course, I think its just like sit ups, push ups, whatever... oh and a mile or so. I'm talking like it's no big deal... lol I could NEVER do it. And William has legs that go on forever, so running a mile FAST isn't his strong suite. William is more for long distance running. So he usually struggles on the time portion of the mile.

But for some reason this time he is having a hard time with the weight. They told him he had the lose 20 pounds. They always tell him he has to lose some amount of weight. And when he was in Okinawa he did need to lose some weight. But since we have been up here and he has been gone, he has lost  A LOT of weight. The gut he once had, is gone. I'm not going to say he is super skinny now, but I think he is fine. But since they told him his weight requirements he has been eating nothing but salads, and working out for like hours on end. I think its just ridiculous what he is doing to himself. He hates salad for one, they make him sick he hates them so much. I just wish he would stop with all this nonsense.

And now he wants this $150 exercise program. It's like 20 dvds and all it tells you is how you are supposed to be working out, how you are supposed to be eating, how to watch your carbs etc etc. SD has done this before.... not this specific program, but the watching everything and the exercising and whatever. And it didn't cost us a $150 program. He did research on the internet, read in magazines, asked around at the gym when he went. And we have access to a gym here on base... William even gets to go for free because he is in the Navy! So i don't understand why he wants this program so bad. He says its something we can do TOGETHER. Well, we can cook a healthy dinner together, we can read to Noah together, we can go for a walk together... lol there are numerous things we can do together.

It just bothers me that he is so wrapped up in his self image now. He used to not be. Now he wants to be skinny and muscly... I don't even know where that came from until the PRT came around...

He is Definatly Growing...

I don't know if it's because we have had a sudden influx of toys and I have had to KEEP re-arranging all his toys, and maybe some are more in reach of others, or maybe he is growing up tall. Oh yeah, I mean Noah. And you can really tell the wires are really tell the wires are connecting in his head. Like before the lights were on, but no one was home. Now, the lights are on and the wheels are spinning. And its exciting to see him at work and figure things out. A while back when William was in Okinawa, Noah and I bought him a K'Nex Elmo.Well, now Noah has taken over the K'Nex Elmo and like to put him together. I have showed him how to put him together the right way, but I think he enjoys the weird creations he can come up with.

And for Christmas William and I bought him a train track, the reviews were awesome, 'My son/daughter has a hard time taking it apart, they step on it all day and it never comes apart!'. WRONG! Well that worked for us for a few months. Noah has now figured out that he can take the track apart and put the pieces back together... but when he does it, they never connect and the train often derails. I said he was getting smarter, not the brightest crayon in the box. And he loves to finger paint. Yesterday we got out the markers and it was fun watching him figure out how to get the caps off and then put them back on. About a week ago he figured out that he can use his sword to turn on all the light switches. Well, he knew he could do this a couple months ago but wasn't very good at it, so he gave up for a while. Now that he is getting taller, he gave it another try and well, he succeeded.

To my delight, I found the perfect hiding spot for the sword. Now he can reach almost anything. I have to be careful what I leave out on the counter, if its almost within his reach, he is gonna get it. Even the pantry and refrigerator isn't safe anymore. If he says eat, and I don't get it, he gets it himself. You would think that by now they would have come out with a child lock for sliding doors... nope. And we used to have a child lock on the fridge, the problem was, we kept forgetting it was there and eventually broke it. He has even figured out the child locks for the electrical outlets. He is a smart kid. And a good kid. I complain a lot about his brattyness and his terrible twos. But compared to what I have seen in terrible twos, he really isn't all that bad. He throws the occasional tantrum whenever I tell him no, but other than that, he really is a good boy. He always cleans up his toys whenever I ask him to, and never gives me any problems about going down for a nap, or bed time. Kinda makes me think about NOT wanting another one...

Bored

So it's Wednesday, I think. I've checked all available calendars, and they read Wednesday. But I have been wrong before. Time is slowly slipping by. Already today, Noah and I have dragged out the colors and made a mess. I have already cleaned up the kitchen, and Noah hasn't really dragged out anything else. No mess with his toys, I can't even convince this kid to poop today! I hate days like today... the boring days... days like this usually happen when it's raining or cloudy... not when the sun is out. The house is still remarkably clean, so I have seriously nothing to do.

Before William left, we cleaned this house SPOT LESS for Noah's birthday party, and to my surprise it still is. Well, I guess when there are only 2 people here, and I don't really make that much of a mess, it won't really get 'dirty'. Well it's that and I just don't have motivation to do a whole lot. Like, in my head I want to get up and go for a walk, or go outside and take Noah to the park because next week it's supposed to be raining and nasty... or I have a load of clothes upstairs sitting at the foot of my bed that needs to be folded, and I just don't really want to do it. Or even better, we bought this Cricut thing, and I'm almost out of cardstock, so I need to go to Wal Mart and buy more, amongst other things, but I just don't want to go. And during the week is the best time to go... everyone else is at work.

I need to work myself out of this funk. I know what's going to happen. When it comes time for William to come home, I still won't have the motivation to clean the house, or bake his goodies and nothing will get done. And I will still be sitting here typing and I will blame it on the weather...

Lookin' Up...

So to my surprise yesterday, the ship pulling into a port. Since William and I haven't really been talking, he didn't tell me until yesterday morning that they were pulling in. I was sort of happy to talk to him. At first it was awkward. But it gave us the chance to hash out a few of the things I have been wanting to talk about but haven't been able to do in an e-mail because he doesn't really like to sit down and write long emails. We worked on our compromising thing. We are both going to work together on the household chores, and work together on helping out with Noah. Some things are just over whelming some times.

So I feel like everything is going to get better now. Right now they are enjoying a concert on the ship. Which should be nice, it's not a band I would call my fave but I enjoy a few of their songs. I'm not too sure on when they leave. He never really tells me a whole lot. Which is probably for the best. He did tell me something last night that I wasn't expecting. I had told him about a special dinner I had planned, and the desserts I was going to cook to go with it. He waited until he was all the way back to the boat to let me know he couldn't eat what I was going to cook because the PRT was coming up, that he had to be on a diet and lose 20 pounds.

Why does this upset? Because I planned this meal for the first night he is home, he led me to believe I can cook it, that he wanted it, that everything was fine. And then all of a sudden he has the PRT coming up. And everytime he comes home I always bake him a bunch of goodies, cookies, cake, whatever. Now he doesn't want that. He has been eating nothing but salads trying to lose the weight. And my husband gags when he eats salad... he calls it grass. I just don't know what to believe anymore. Or even what to say. And all of a sudden he is over protective? My husband is never over protective. I just don't know... I thought things were lookin' up... maybe not...

Rain...

While it's not an interesting topic to most, I have thought about it a lot since we moved up here. The Western Coast of Washington sees a lot of rain. When I heard we were moving here, I was not at all excited. Now that we are here, doesn't rain as much as I read or heard, and the rain is different. This is an El Nino year so of course the weather is going to be different, and I'm not going to say I'm upset about it. A normal winter here is about 20 degrees all day, and now its about 30 in the morning and 50 in the afternoon. Oh and the rain, well, we are lucky to see it about once a week.

So back home, the rain is nasty. It's sticky, and it stinks, and doesn't taste good when you stick your tongue out to taste it. Who am I kidding? Back home you really don't even want to breath the air more or less taste the water. But here, the rain is almost sweet. It's NEVER sticky, and always fresh. Occasionally they do 'stagnate air warnings' on the weather reports... lol... I haven't really understood what that completely means yet. But back to the rain... before back home, I hated to get out when it was raining. I hated getting my hair wet, my clothes, etc. Now, I have no problem with it. And screw an umbrella. Since it rains so often here, its rarely ever a hard rain, just steady.

I'm beginning to enjoy my new found partnership with the Washington rain. What I do not enjoy are the strong winds which are a regular occurrence.  Back home, a strong wind means a hurricane, a once in a lifetime tornado, or an extremely strong thunderstorm. Here, pretty much on a daily basis for no apparent reason at all other than because of where we are located, we have regular winds of up to 45 mph. And speaking of thunder, we never get any! There is no such thing as thunder in Washington. Anyways, I was just sitting here thinking about the rain... wanted to write down my thoughts...

What day is it?

Well again, my day started at 9 AM. Not that I mind, William often complains that I get to sleep in until 10 and sometimes 11. But when I sleep in until 11 it throws my day off and its usually because I didn't get any sleep the night before. And here lately I've had the weird habit of waking up at 8 just to hear the morning song, 'Star Spangling Banner' when they raise the flags, and then I go back to sleep. Well, ok, let me back up just a bit. The reason I sleep in at all, is because I don't go to sleep until 12 or 1, and sometimes even 2, and if I don't get enough sleep I have seizures, so I like to sleep until my body wakes itself up that way I know I am all clear for seizures.

So today I just laid in bed until like 10 30 responding to William's e-mails from my phone since I didn't quite feel like getting up. Today is the first day of spring and around here the trees and such have already sprung... which means pollen is in the air. So for the last few days I have been walking around with a sinus headache. Nothing I can't handle, but I don't like taking the allergy meds without some one around because they make me kinda sleepy and not myself, and I'm all alone up here with Noah. So today we haven't done too much since I don't really want to go outside.

Luckily, we have rain forecasted in the next day or so, so hopefully that will calm the pollen. But Noah and I washed some clothes, finger painted, colored... lol... no mess involved! William and I bought him some color wonder stuff for his birthday... that stuff is AMAZING! I put down some newspaper just in case while finger painting, but there was seriously no mess! Other than being a little sticky, that stuff is great! And the markers, well he colors on himself more than anything, and nothing ever shows up. My only complaint with the color wonder (by Crayola) is it takes a few seconds for the color to show up. Well not even a few seconds... like so far with the markers I could count to 1 Mississippi and the color would be there. With the paint, I would have to say 1 Mississippi and then go all the way to 2 and the color MIGHT be there. But he likes it, and it keeps my house clean thats for sure... and if you are renting or live in a GOVERNMENT owned house like us, I highly recommend them.

So in an e-mail from William today, he mentioned planning a vacation. A little further into the 'conversation', he mentioned Bora Bora, after putting 2 and 2 together, I figured out he was planning a vacation to Bora Bora for us. But since we don't have the money this year, he wants to go next year. Not that I have a problem with it, I just never imagined myself going anywhere like that. My family hasn't ever taken me anywhere like that, never even offered. I mean, for our honeymoon we went to San Antonio and I HAVE/HAD no problem with it. Thats just what I'm used to.  But if he really wants to go, then I'm up for it. I researched it earlier and it looks gorgeous. Who know... and I have no idea what's going on with us... sometimes I feel like we are ok, sometimes I feel like we are just ignoring the real problem. And we have a real problem...

What I can Only Admit to Myself

So as I was making Noah's bed, I got to thinking, why am I so closed off from the world? Lol ironic since I have a public blog huh? Well there are some things that I just don't tell people or even my husband. See, I'm one of those people that care A LOT about what people think. So here it goes:

-I get dressed every morning based on what OTHER people are going to think about my clothes
-I have a problem going to the bathroom in public, or even when my husband is home... lol I know...
-After SD left, I didn't want my son, now I can't live without him
-Most days I really don't feel like getting out of bed
-I enjoy my time alone
-I'm still trying to figure out who I am
-Occasionally I get the urge to go back to school
-I eat an entire package of Oreos everytime he leaves
-Battleship is my fave game because I ACTUALLY like to sink his ship
-It upsets me when my Dad tries to run my life, which he is still trying now that I'm married and have a son
-It upsets me that I am a compulsive liar... and I have no idea why I lie... I have no reason to... I lied to William one time about hitting a dog with our brand new Jeep... lol IT WAS FUNNY OK

So Noah and I went to Wal Mart today, and bought some groceries. After we got home, I discovered that the fridge had gave up on me. I had to call maintenance for the millionth time. Finally I got a good guy, and he explained to me the problem. Now that it's finally Friday I have no idea what we are going to do the rest of the weekend. William is talking about us taking a vacation when he gets home. I have no idea what that is about. But a vacation would be nice...

Oops!

So it has officially been a week since he left... I went through all day today thinking it was Friday... so almost we aren't there yet! And I guess I should have thought it was extremely odd when I wasn't sitting here crying like usual. This morning while laying in bed debating on whether or not to get up, I thought to myself, 'Well I guess when I didn't cry when he left, and I said to myself that day that I was broken, no my marriage was broken'. I miss him don't get me wrong, and I love him, but I think what I failed to notice was how imperfect his time here had been. While he was here for his 'R&R', we did nothing but fight. So really, his time on the ship would be 'R&R' away from our relationship. So why would I cry over that?We have great moments don't get me wrong, and he can make me laugh harder than anyone I've ever known. But really, it's hard adjusting to him once he is here, and then he has to leave again.

I actually don't know how he is able to do it. When he first started doing these underways, even Noah was a little leery around him for a day or so. But now everything is ok. Now I seem to be the one that has the problem adjusting. Noah and I were taken away from our home that we had known all our lives, and brought up here. I knew this was going to happen and I was excited about it. It was actually about time it happened. So we get up here and my one comfort zone I have, my husband, starts coming and going. So Noah and I have to make a new comfort zone and eventually begin to get used to this new place. I have begun to learn my way around town, and get out quit frequently when he is away.

But when he comes home, he is the stranger, the new guy. Noah and I have a routine. And William coming home messes that up. And I know that upsets him, it upsets me. We have tried to work it out to where he fits in but some where we lose track and Noah gets lost in the process and doesn't get a nap or goes to sleep early or late or whatever. But it's the adjustment that I have a problem with. I'm used to doing things by myself, I'm used to doing whatever I want when I want, I'm used to cooking for one, I'm used to washing clothes for 2 people. Sometimes I even get angry for him coming home. And I know that's not fair, (so why do I do it?) well, plain and simple. It inconveniences me.

Many people have told me before, I'm a princess. On a different note, his e-mails have been short and cold. He says he wants to work on us, he wants to stay and be together. But it's how he is saying it that makes me not believe him. That in itself is upsetting, I keep telling him I have dropped my attitude, and I have and I just want us to move forward. But he can't seem to lose his and get over whatever is making him so upset. Whatever, I think Noah and I are going to take a vacation until the ship comes back. I haven't decided where we are going, but I know I need to go some where and clear my head. I may just set the gps for home and see how far I can get before the ship pulls back into port. Even then I haven't decided if I want to come back here.

Green Day...

Well, I woke up this morning and had several messages on my phone, mostly junk mail, and one text message from my mother in law. She knows William and I have been having problems, she reminded me that I am still Mrs. McEachern and wished us a Happy St. Patrick's day. While my name may still be his, I sure don't feel like his wife. We haven't EVER fought for this long. I think William and I are just alike. We are both stubborn as hell, we both have sarcastic senses of humor, and when we get pissed off or seriously mad, we can get one hell of an attitude. So since we started this argument we have both had this major attitude and it bothers me. I have tried to drop my attitude but then he will e-mail with his and it's like, well what's the point. Or I will try to change the subject, and he will come back angry because I changed the subject.

I just don't know anymore. I'm scared I'm losing him. Maybe I am, maybe it's for the best. We agreed on counseling, and I have looked for several counselors, I have made the calls done the necessary ground work. It's just tough without him here. Some things can't be done until he gets home and I'm ready to start the process now because like I said... I'm scared I'm losing him. But, like I told him the other day, I have started over before, I can do it again. And Noah is older this time, so it should be easier this time. Just hope I don't have to. I love my husband. I wouldn't have married him if I wasn't attracted to him. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't see a future or even forever with him.

It's just so hard. We got married before we had lived together. Before we had REALLY gotten to know each other's habits. We talked about them non-stop. I asked him every question possible about how he lived and his routine and whatever. And I seriously didn't think we were going to have a problem. I guess I just need to relax a little and trust a little more in him and like my old friend told me, quit treating him like a child. Men will pick up their clothes off the floor when women trust that they will. If William comes home, I think I will try that one. I like a neat and tidy house, like sterile and crisp. And if one thing is out of place, I raise hell about it. Yeah sounds like I need to relax.

I do really love William. It hurts that this has gone on for so long now. Wish it was over. Contrary to what people think, or he may even be thinking at this point, I didn't marry him for what he had to offer. I married him because he can make me laugh, because he is incredibly down to earth, and when he wants to be, he is super sweet. And just like I told him earlier, I can't be stuck in limbo any longer, we either need to make the decision to fix our marriage and change our attitudes and 'jump on the train', or we need to just walk away. Limbo is an incredibly painful place to be. Yet I know it all too well...

CRICUT

So I finally opened my Cricut Expression. Noah has been playing in the bag of craft stuff I bought and today he handed me the 'Sports Mania' cartridge, in a notion like, 'Mom c'mon what are you waiting for OPEN IT!'. So I opened the cartridge first and when I didn't understand what the cartridge was saying, I opened the Cricut box. Since we had to special order it from Joann's, it came prepacked. Joann's was having a sell on all their Cricut stuff, and the Expression was marked down from $400 to $250! William and I decided that was just too good a deal to pass up. When William picked up the box he laughed and told me it was empty. I just looked at him and said something like, 'Well I'm sure they have them locked up, we will get it when we check out.' Not at all. They were completely sold out! But no big deal I got it a week later.

I was in no hurry to get it, and it gave me more time to do research. Well I went and picked it up and there it sat... for 4 days... unopened. But I finally opened it, and thank God they give you an instructional DVD. This machine is the hardest thing I have ever had to work. I'm sure with time I will learn how the ins and outs, but WOW. And for about 5 years now I have been telling everyone this and its the truth. My epilepsy has slowed me down a bit. My grandmother and my mom have noticed. And it's frustrating because I want to understand and know how to use this machine but I don't always get it the first, second or even the third time. And if I do get it, I often forget it.

So, I made two different things with my Cricut today. I made the card they teach you in the DVD, and I made a flag from my 'Sports Mania' cartridge. The card was my first thing to make, so it didn't turn out too well, but I'm proud of it. However, Noah's sports flag, well that turned out pretty damn good. I am definatly patting myself on the back. I know one thing for sure, I have to get bigger cardstock, and I have to figure out why my current cardstock is sticking to the mat so bad. Oh and I definatly need that Cricut spatula thing... those letters don't mess around, they stick to that mat like nobody's business.

And William and I have decided to get some counseling. So I spent the first half of the morning searching for counselors. I think we are going to try a retreat nearby and something through the Navy. He also has an appointment with the Chapelin on board the ship. How do I feel about it? Well we needed counseling before we got married and I refused it for whatever reason, I can't remember now. Our state offers marriage 'tools' and a discount for your marriage license if you take the class, and I think we had that opportunity but didn't take it because it was cutting too close to our marriage date. We do love each other, and I believe we have the potential to have a great marriage. We just have to get past this... mess.

Manac Monday

Like I have said in a previous blag, all couples fight. Well, William and I occasionally have HUGE blow ups. This one started last night. He wants to go and work for this company called Haliburton. It's an oil company back home. I would rather that he stay in the Navy because at least we know it's a for sure thing. We can expect to be paid on the 1st and the 15th of every month, and we know he will never be fired. If he goes back out into the civilian world, anything can happen. And that's a scary thought. Well I think it started with that. He says I'm abusive, and controlling, and a liar. I think he is cocky, a smartass, and a jerk.

And of course things just escalated. Things got said... one thing was we hated each other and want a divorce. It has been said before, neither one of us wants one. Neither one of us believe in them. We just get so damn angry sometimes and we both have this attitude. He is such a hard person to get along with. I know I don't make things very easy either. Anyways, we have decided to get a marriage councilor. Hopefully that will help us. We spend the first 6 months of our marriage apart. So we are still getting to know each other. Just wish it were easier sometimes...

Just a boring Sunday

So I bought the Cricut Expression and have yet to open it. I think I feel intimidated by it. I have no idea how to use it, or have any ideas on what to do with it yet. We know we want to do some vinyls. But none of the stores around here have the right colors so I have to order them... but from where? Maybe we should have done some more research before buying this thing. I don't know, maybe I will pull it out later and see what I can do with it. Well we haven't done anything today. I have a load of clothes in the dryer to be folded but other than that, nothing.

I love when he goes underway. I don't have a whole lot of cleaning to do, I don't have to cook a whole lot, the amount of clothes to wash is dramatically decreased. So while I do love him and miss him, it's nice to have a break from the 1940's lifestyle. Well I guess I'm going to play with my Cricut and my Noah. Maybe tomorrow will bring something more exciting...

Noah's Birthday

Well today was Noah's official birthday. He is really two. I have really been a Mommy for 2 years. Time flies when you're having fun. And sheesh what a day! We have been up and going since 12... which is unusual for us. We went and picked up my Cricut cutting machine, and then headed over to Target to get some things for Noah's room. This is the longest I have been sitting down all day. And the time changes tomorrow. Man that will be a hard thing to get used to. Well like I told William earlier, I miss him of course, but I haven't really cried any tears over him. I think I just may very well be broken. Or it may just be the fact that my mind is really just focused on other things.

Like I knew today I had to get up and run errands, and I'm sure tomorrow it will be something else. I have been getting a steady stream of e-mails so I guess I'm lucky on that. He just says he has been working and really is thinking about getting out of the Navy. I hope he doesn't. I like the certainty of knowing we are getting paid on certain dates, I like the certain future of knowing he will always have a job. If he get's out, whatever company he goes to work for, could go under, or they could fire him. Or I may go back to work also, and then what if we both get fired? Then again, have I become TOO accustomed to this lifestyle? As un-glamorous as it is, it's actually pretty nice...

He is gone...

Well he shipped out this morning. Surprisingly it wasn't as hard as it usually is. I had a few tears on the way home as I was explaining to Noah where Daddy was but none since. I don't know if it's the certainty of the future, or maybe I'm just used to it. Or maybe it's the fact that I have been up since 3 AM with a stomach bug and my mind is elsewhere today. All the time my friends tell me, they are so sick of people telling them, 'Oh well thats not that bad' or 'Well he will be home soon just hang in there'. I haven't had one of those encounters until yesterday. That old friend that appeared again, one thing we talked about was William shipping out. And she made the comment of, 'Oh well thats not that bad', referring to how long he will be gone. And no its not, it could be worse. But still, he is gone. If I need him here for any reason, medical, family emergency back home, he can't come back. And most of all, I only get e-mails, no phone calls. (we have covered that one)

So yeah it actually is that bad. And I know this friend couldn't go without her husband for a set amount of time. Anyways, we will move on, I know I can do this. The future looks bright and promising. Well, not today... I woke up with the stomach bug and yuck is all I have to say to that. I still drove him to the ship and dropped him off even though I felt like I was dying. Well, Lord I pray that you please keep my William safe and WELL... yes definatly well.... I love you huney buney!

Tomorrow...

Well, tomorrow will be a hard day. Much like many of my other days, just more so for reasons I can't discuss. I don't look forward to these days. But we make it through and come out better in the end. So tomorrow, I will take it one hour at a time, and just go with it. Just like I always do. And Saturday is Noah's official birthday, so we have that to celebrate.

Anyways, it's weird. An old friend from the past came back today. I will leave her nameless, but when she left she said some things that really hurt my feelings. On thing she said was that I shouldn't marry William, that I was just using him. Well today she came back and wanted to tell Noah happy birthday. So we talked for a few minutes and I thought the conversation went well. Who knows, maybe we will talk again...

Noah's Party

Ok so it's done and over with. I was awake at 7 AM this morning waiting for his mattress. It didn't show up until about 10:30. I called them yesterday to see when they would be delivering it and all they would tell me was 'Tomorrow morning ma'am.'. So I woke up this morning bright and early to wait on it... ugh... Remind me to never do that again. Then I assembled his party favor box thingys and decorated the house. All day long I have just been dragging ass. Finally 12:30 rolled around and William got off work and headed to pick up the balloons and the cake.

The cake... what a story. I commend my husband on picking out an Elmo cake, I didn't ask him to do that. But when he asked the lady to write on it and then decorate it with Elmo stuff, she simply looked at him and with her yankee attitude, mixed with 'washingtonian', told him, 'It isn't going to happen.'. When he asked her why not, she told him that it was because she got off in 30 MINUTES! Needless to say she did the cake but only after William got an attitude with her. He handed her an already decorated cake (which is what I asked him to go and buy) and told the lady to just stick the Elmo stuff on it and write, 'Happy Birthday Noah'. You can tell she wasn't happy about doing it by the way it looks. I was upset to see the cake was shitty looking, but it tasted soo good. NEVER EVER GO TO THE SAFEWAY IN SILVERDALE, WASHINGTON.

And other than one of the families flaking out on us for his party everything turned out pretty good. Our normal friends showed up, plus a guy William works with, his family. They are... well a little different. He reminds me of William. She is definatly the crafty, bakey, type. I am trying to be. But I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep pretending to be this, 'I love the Navy, I love the ship, BLAH BLAH BLAH'... I can't keep this plastered smile forever. It's actually starting to hurt my jaw.

The Cake...

Well today was a full day. We woke up, and had a package at the front door. It turned out to be William and my's new camera. We were watching the new camera 'expo' on TV one day and saw the new Sony TX5 and fell in love... so we started to do a little research. The TX5 wasn't supposed to be in stores until April. Well, then he went to the Sony website and found an even better one, the TX7. This camera is, shatterproof, freeze proof, waterproof, can do panorama, takes HD shots, and there was this feature on William's old camera where he would push a certain button and it would take 3 pictures of the same shot, and then merge them together to bring out the natural light. Well this camera can do it without taking the 3 shots, it automatically does it. Oh and... my favorite feature, it auto corrects light. Say you are taking a picture outside and the sun comes out all of a sudden... oops picture is messed up. NOT WITH THIS CAMERA! It will automatically fix it! Ok enough about that... I have to wait until William comes home to show me how to use it...

At about noon today I was on Facebook just reading my wall and one of my friends had posted that it was SNOWING! So I look out my living room window and sure enough it was! So I grabbed my new camera and my Noah and we went outside to play in it while it lasted. I got some pretty good shots... just the damn camera... ugh I have said it once already today. Technology is just too advanced for me. But we played in the flurries, they lasted about an hour. It has been too warm for anything to stick but it was nice to see Noah playing in his first snow.

After the snow, we came inside and I started on the cake. We got off to a good start. After I took it out of the oven and was taking the bottom round cake out of the pan... it just fell out in like 4 different pieces. I just started crying. Then I had to get Elmo out. Elmo turned out really good. But instead of just putting him on the cooling rack to cool I put him on the cake that I had managed to piece back together. So when I realized what I had done, I tried to take him off... bad idea. Elmo started to fall apart... in 3 pieces. I again cried. I'm just glad William was in cell range so I could send him pictures and explain the problem. He then said he would pick up a cake after work tomorrow. He is the greatest husband ever.

So today was a duty day. And like I said this morning, I love duty days, I finally get the bed to myself. And William doesn't even tell me good night anymore, he just looks at me and says, 'Why do I only get 10% of the bed now?', 'Because you are only here 10% of the time!'

Sooo Tired...

So we decided to stay home today and clean and some what organize. Well, the clean thing I am used to, but organizing... William and I still haven't completely merged all our stuff, so we just have piles here and there. Well today we took care of all of it. The piles, and the cleaning. My back hurts, my feet hurt, muscles I didn't even know I had, hurt. All just for Noah's 2nd birthday party. While we were out yesterday we ran into one of William's friends and he invited them over for the party. Which is great... except his kids are allergic to every kind of food possible. So they can't eat the cake, they can't eat whatever we are cooking... But at least they are coming and I'm grateful to  have such good friends.

Well, tomorrow I'm going to start baking the cake and wrapping presents.  Just hope the cake goes well...

Taxes

We all hate paying taxes duh. But if you don't make that magic number per year... well you get money back! And we don't make that magic number so we get money back. And... we got the child dependent care credit... oh man. Since my parents have been claiming Noah I didn't know just what I was missing. My parents were claiming him because we were living with them and blah blah blah long angry story. So, this year was my first time to ever see just how much it was. Oh man, makes us think about having another child! William and I haven't ever received a check that big before. So yesterday when we looked at the bank account we went shopping...

We bought some new XBox stuff that he has actually needed but we couldn't afford. We bought a computer monitor that we needed. And we bought me a new cell phone, the Verizon Droid. I needed a new phone because my other one has been replaced 4 times because it would repeatedly drop a call, had poor service, or even one of the replacements just wouldn't turn on. So I'm hoping to have better luck with this one. We have been watching and reading the reviews on it for the last few months. And today we are going to get Noah's birthday presents and and birthday stuff, along with just groceries. I know we need to slow down on our spending. We actually want to save all this money for a rainy day or even start saving for a house. So I'm hoping this spending spree is almost over. 

How we Met

So I thoughtI would write about this, it always puts a smile on my face. So William and I go back to 5th grade. Apparently he sat behind me in class and fell in love with my HAIR! I had no idea he was even in my class I only remember him coming over to my friend Amber's house and asking if he could play. He said he knew when I was there and was stalking me, but I think he just really wanted to play. The part that I remember is him being in my first period 6th grade science class, Mr. Rogers. I remember walking in and seeing William sitting there with Scott and they would call me by this stupid name they made up... not a nickname a mean name. Then there was 7th grade, he sat close to me in Coach Aguillard's Texas History class. He still picked on me, but according to him I would talk to him too. Like I would come to school some days and just sit down and talk to him like he was my best friend. I don't recall that, I remember hating him for calling me that nasty name. Then I moved in 8th grade and we stayed in touch, I even tried setting him up with a new friend from my high school. It didn't work out, in fact he hated me for it and we lost touch.

So, October 2008, I was a Myspacer back then, and one day out of the blue I got an e-mail. Not just an ordinary 'how you doin', but he was apologizing for how he treated me back then. And we talked until December when he came home on leave. See he was stationed in Okinawa, Japan. So he came home, and we arranged a 'date'. I brought an old friend, Megan, and he brought his friend Harry. I remember that date like it was yesterday. William had just bought his 2009 Dodge Challenger, deep water blue, lol yes I still remember. I had no idea what I challenger was, nor did I know what he looked like, so here comes this hot car and some guy whistling at me asking where the parking was. It took me a minute to realize IT WAS WILLIAM. So we all get inside and the first thing I notice was hot incredibly tall he was. He was always tall in school, but now he was the tallest guy I knew! I am 5'0 he is 6'6... you see the difference? So he decides to sit on a bench so we can talk, and the first thing he says to me is 'Wow you have gotten so beautiful!' And the first thing I notice is his gorgeous green eyes. William has eyes that change colors, they are always this olive color, but when he is telling the truth, or being honest to himself, as I say it, they turn this beautiful shade of green.

So we go on the whole time he is home that month and have like 6 dates. We get to his going away party and we sit down and tell each other we think we love each other. We decided to take the 24 hour plane trip to think about a relationship. I hadn't ever done long distance before and didn't know if I could but at the same time, I had strong feelings for him. So I said my last good bye and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Like harder than when SD left. I cried the whole time I couldn't talk to William, I missed him so much. He makes me laugh more than I have laughed in years. We have the same sarcastic sense of humor, when we get pissed off, we have the same attitude so I can predict his next move and he predicts mine. I knew it was just meant to be. So when he did finally call me, I had tears of joy to hear his voice again and I told him I knew I loved him and we had to be together forever. He knew the same. He said he couldn't sleep on his flight because I was all he could think about. (amazing how I can still remember all this)

So it would be 6 more months before I could touch him again. It would be our wedding. And yes we have our ups and downs, we have only been together for a little over a year, married for 8 months. And we have only been living together for about 4 months now, so we are still getting used to each other. But I wouldn't trade any of this for anything. He absolutely makes me smile and takes such good care of us.

Arguing

So every couple argues. Whether you are married, engaged, or just dating, it's just the human condition, we all have different opinions. I find myself arguing with many of my 'girl' friends. Well, William and I argue... a lot. Not necessarily the big blow outs where it takes 2 days to get over, just the small petty things. I have always been told, it's not what you argue about, it's how you argue. And some one else told me, don't sweat the small stuff. Well, in this house, we always sweat the small stuff. And we have a terrible communication problem. We came home with a guinea pig that neither one of us wanted but didn't say anything about because we didn't want to hurt each other's feelings. The guinea pig conversation at Petco was a lot like, 'Yes William we can get her if you want her.' and William would say, 'No sweetie we can get her if you want her.'... but inside we were secretly wishing he/she would speak up and say 'NO PLEASE DON'T GET THE PIG!!'

So why am I talking about us arguing? Because I'm tired of it. He knows it, I talk to him about it all the time. We together talk about it all the time. We just don't know how to fix it. We don't even know how to fix our communication problem. We walked around the NEX for 2 hours the other day because again, we thought that's what the other person wanted to do. He said he was following me and I said I was following him. I'm too prideful to see a marriage councilor. I don't think we need that much help. But at the same time, I'm scared if we don't, in the long run our marriage will fail. And being a child surrounded by failed marriages... I don't want to be another statistic. And we definatly sweat the small stuff. He and I both get so frustrated over the small stuff. Well, me more than him. I'm a perfectionist, and he... isn't. So if the dishwasher isn't loaded right, or if Noah's clothes don't match... you got it... and he says I over react. Which yes I do. And we occasionally laugh over the argument because most of the time they are stupid and petty and worth laughing over.

The Navy Life

So this has been bothering me for a while. Well since a conversation I had with my grandmother... about 2 weeks ago. We were talking about doing our taxes and she made the comment 'Well I guess since you are military doing your taxes must be easy.' Ummm... well it's the same for us as it is for you, we use the same sites as everyone else, TurboTax and paid the same amount as everyone else. Just because we are military doesn't mean we are special. There are places that do occasionally give us a discount, they aren't even happy when they have to apply the discount. Every once in a while we may get a 'Thank You for serving'. And that is usually directed at him, which YES he does do a lot for the country, but what about me? While he is gone for 6-8 months at a time I'm here, alone, still running the house, paying the bills, taking care of Noah, TRASH, which I absolutely hate. So let's go through exactly what we have as a Navy family.

Housing: We actually pay for housing. Like the general public, before William and I got married I thought housing and the other stuff was free and the military family had it so good. The truth is, we are actually paying for housing every month. Our BAH (Basic Allowance Housing) is based on where we are based. They take it out of our paycheck, right now they are taking out about $1200 for our base housing and utilities. Which don't get me wrong, $1200 is an awesome price for a HOUSE and utilities, but that comes out of our pocket. And utilities, that's only gas, water, and electricity. The others we pay for. Which the others are really just luxury. And base housing, isn't really as safe as it sounds. Since we moved here, there have been protesters outside both gates protesting this base. We live on a Submarine base and these people have it in their heads that we go out and shoot nuclear bombs everytime we go out... crazy right? Well a while back these people cut through 3 barb wire fences and were here illegally and were attacking crew members. So this isn't a safe place. Well take a look at Ft. Knox... not safe.

Insurance: Again, like the general public I thought it was all free. WRONG. Again this is something else they take out of his paycheck. Insurance for him is free, he is the one serving, but for the rest of the family he has to pay. Well, for instance... your spouse get's a job that has health insurance. Usually the company pays for the spouse but then the spouse has to pay for the dependents if they have any. And of course we have to pay for dental insurance. And so far the Doctors I have seen have been ok. But I have heard some bad stories.

The Big Paychecks: Ok, AGAIN, like the general public, I thought that since the military worked for the government they made big bucks. WRONG again. If you actually do the math and we have since we got married because I was just so curious as to what he made an hour, they make ...cents an hour. To make maybe close to minimum wage you have to be an officer. So, if he makes ...cents an hour that means ...$ a day. And yes they do get paid salary, but they also work 6:30 AM to 5:30 PM 5 days a week, except on deployments. On deployments, they get up at 6 AM, get off at 8 PM, or later, and work EVERY DAY. They may get separation pay if they are gone longer than 30 days, but that is a measly $200. So my husband serves his country for DOLLARS a day.

Communication: Ok here's where the different branches differ. Army has Skype and IM and can talk on cell phone every day, but they are also in danger zones. Marines are the same, unless they are on a boat. Air Force, Skype, IM, cell phones, whatever... and you will rarely see them on a boat. Now Navy... we have 2 divisions, submarines and surface. If a spouse is surface like William, he can e-mail every day or even get a call out once in a while. A phone call is like $20 for 60 minutes of talk.  The lines to the phone are usually long and the calls are usually staticy. If a spouse is sub, e-mails are scarce. You may get 3 e-mails once a week. See, the sailors type them up and press send, and then the sub sends them out when they surface. And phone calls are even harder. A sub spouse will probably never get a call because the sub can't stay surfaced for very long... well not long enough to let a group of sailors all call their wives. I'm not giving a pity party just explaining our life.

Yes my husband chose this life, yes I chose this life when I married him. Just tired of people always ASSUMING we have it so easy just because we are the military. Most of the time we are forgotten. I know I am as a spouse.

Sublte Differences

So not that it bothers me, it really doesn't... well ok it does. I knew before I married William that he was a spiritual person. We are both Baptist, the only difference, he likes to go to church, I don't. I was forced as a child to go, and feel like I was forced into a religion. Not that I don't believe, I totally do. God has gotten me things, and even gotten me through things that I wouldn't be able to do on my own. Maybe it was the church I was going to. It was big, politics were often involved, snottiness played a big factor in which class you were in, and how much money you had or didn't have played a HUGE factor in whether or not anyone knew your name. When I was going through my stuff with SD, I started going to a small church with my aunt and her husband and really enjoyed it. Everyone knew your name, and because the income was all the same, money wasn't even discussed. Ok so aside from that, William and I got married and he wants to force me into church again. Now I feel like I did as a child. And William and I come from totally different church backgrounds. I'm used to the traditional, no 'Hallelujah'  screaming, no dancing in the aisles, whatever. He on the other hand... well he is. We occasionally have a tiff over it, but no big deal. I don't care about going to church. I'm not opposed, but I don't want to be forced to go either.

The other night during pillow talk, he mentioned saying his nightly prayer, and he was going to sleep. I pray, not every night. I had no idea he prayed every night. So I asked him what he prayed about. The tone of his voice was one I'm not really familiar with, kinda shaky, unsure of himself. Like maybe he thought I was going to judge him. I would never do that, I just wanted to know what he talked to God about that he couldn't talk to me about.

So William and I have come to a kind of decision. And I will be woman enough to admit, while I did go to church as a child, I didn't pay attention much. And while I will admit I am a Baptist now, I still don't know much. And my husband will admit he knows everything. So, he has a few guys on his ship that he is friends with, one guy that is on his crew in particular that is Mormon. Apparently the cool thing around here is to be Mormon, there are a lot of them around here. So William has talked to this one guy a lot about it, and apparently they worship a lot like I like. And William brought up one day on our way home from Wal Mart going to their church. While it would satisfy his needs in going to church, I feel I would betray my beliefs and I know I would betray my grandmother who is so damn Baptist she crucifies any other belief that walks through her door. I have really been thinking about the Mormon thing though. I know William really wants to start going to church again and I don't want Noah to grow up not knowing God. While I may hate my grandmother for forcing me to go to church, without her doing it, I wouldn't have gone. 

Losers

It's no secret that Noah isn't William's son... do the math. William and I have been married 8 months and Noah is turning 2. Ok so with that said I bring in the past. I will call him sperm donor, or SD for short. So SD and I were together for 4 years, engaged actually. We met in Cosmetology class of all places, my Junior year of high school, his Senior year. Of course I thought he was my soul mate, my 'everything'. HA! My Senior year I was suddenly diagnosed with epilepsy and I do mean suddenly... I hit the floor of one of my classes with a seizure. SD helped me through it. My first 2 years of my 'disease' were brutal. There was no way we could have a wedding. So we put it off until I was better. So 2 years, 2 moves, and 2 dogs... and still no wedding. We are in our 3rd year of our relationship, my epilepsy is much better, and I bring up the wedding. We decided on a date, turns out his family isn't going to show up because they didn't like me. I didn't like them either (long story don't get me started). So again, we cancel that wedding. The house we were living in, we had a room mate, the room mate moved out, and SD and I celebrate... you got it... alcohol was involved.  I knew immediately Noah was conceived.  Just this feeling I had. I was happy, SD, not so much. A couple weeks later when I was officially late and took a pregnancy test and all 3 came out positive, his reaction was to put on his work boots and go to work. He never said a word, he just looked at me, put on his boots and walked out the door. From then on everything was different. I suspected he had a girlfriend, but as long as I had food, a house, and some money, I was ok. I KNOW we were both really unhappy with the relationship, but were too comfortable to leave it. He changed things when he cheated and I changed things when I started looking outside too. He stayed with us for 2 months of the pregnancy. He worked nights at the county jail. He came home from work one morning and started packing a bag. I asked him where he was going and he said he was moving to his mom's house. We argued for about an hour. My Dad even called him to stress to him the situation. Nothing worked, not that I care now.

 So fast forward to the day Noah was born... I didn't talk to SD the whole time I was pregnant, he didn't care. So I called him the day Noah was born, thought maybe he would like to know. Turns out I was wrong, he was at the beach with his wife... yup... WIFE. His grandparents own a cabin down there and they had gone for the weekend whatever. So I called his cell and he answered and he told me he wasn't coming to the hospital because he didn't think Noah was his son and I needed to leave him alone. Luckily I had already filed for child support and they were already in action. So for the next 8 months of Noah's life I fought and fought with SD for child support and finally it came down to, 'he isn't my son I want a DNA test'. So, we did a DNA test. And if you have ever done a DNA test, it is the most degrading thing I have ever had to do in my life. I felt so low,  so nasty, so white trash. Fast forward 2 months, the results come back, and guess what, Noah is SD's son. Who would have thought? He is then ordered to pay child support, pay the cost of the DNA test, and pay the back child support. Well he doesn't agree to anything and wants to go to court.

Fast forward 2 more months and we go to court. While at court, I'm forced to agree to supervised visits and then let this maniac take my child every other weekend, and then forced to agree to a measly $150 a month in child support with what would ultimately be NO health insurance.   If you add up all of the supervised visits he did, they would add up to 2 of the 4 he was supposed to attend. So around Noah's 1st birthday I called him and asked if he was going to come, and he tells me he never wants to see Noah again. At first I was upset, then after I calmed down I realized this was a good thing. Then William and I got married and William expressed that he wanted to adopt Noah. So we began that process. SD up to that point was rarely paying child support, not seeing Noah, and never called me to see how Noah was doing. Well, SD had a problem with the way the papers were worded, he refused to sign them. And for 3 days he made my life a living hell. My Dad and I took the papers to 3 different lawyers who said the papers were fine that SD was being an ass and he really just doesn't want to sign the papers.

Well, fast forward a month, William comes home to the states for good and we are moving up here. Does SD know... nope. It states in the child support papers that I can't leave our home county... well too late. I tried to get it changed, I informed everyone, the judge that handled our case, the child support people of Texas, anyone that ever touched our case, and no one ever said anything. So I left. So why explain ALL that? Because last night I saw a picture of him with his daughter... and he was happy. Yes he has a new daughter, they named her after HIS MOTHER. So let's do some more math. She was a few months premature, she was born October of 2008, supposed to be December... the gestation period for a baby is 9 months... go back 9 months... she was conceived in March, Noah was born in March. Have you put 2 and 2 together yet? His wife is a VERY jealous woman. When they would come over for supervised visits he wasn't allowed to go anywhere without her. Change Noah's diaper, the bathroom, the kitchen, anywhere. Ok so back to why I'm upset. How can he just forget about Noah like he did? My child support comes on a debit card, and I check it often because occasionally he does pay it. He recently changed jobs so I had an increase in my child support up to $250 a month, he pays $100 every 2 weeks. I commend him on paying, there are total losers out there that don't pay at all, but it took a court order to get him to pay. And no we don't need his money, in fact it sits on that card, I have over $1000 built up for a rainy day. It's Noah's money why would I use it? He just pawned off his son on another man, and has no responsibilities to him. He occasionally contributes money to him but other than that he has forgotten him. I fear for Noah's future pain. I shield Noah from everything. But this is one thing that I can't keep him from. His real father walked out on him and wants nothing to do with him. Yes he has a new Daddy that loves him very very much, but when you are 14 or maybe even 10, you don't care about that. I just hope we are doing the right thing. I did everything I could to get SD involved in Noah's life. He just didn't care.